When Harry met Buffy
by iamanevilgenius
Summary: As you might be able to tell, this is a crossover sort of with Harry Potter and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Faith is dead. There is a new Slayer and the new Slayer will be found a Hogwarts. Oneshot. Features a crushingonDraco!Harry.


**Disclaimer:** This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark violation is intended.

**Added note/disclaimer**: I also use quotes from other places. If yfou find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me. I do not own the Buffy the Vampire Slayer world. Buffy the Vampire Slayer and its characters are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and the various networks that aired it.

**Warning Labels/Additional Notes**

1. This is a semi-crossover between Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Harry Potter.

2. This was written for entertainment only – mine and Arwen's entertainment that is

3. This is a one-shot, written with my muse… for once.

4. This is deliberately ignoring HBP and DH

5. Beware of incredible OCC-ness – please forgive fans of In Character-ness.

6. Selective memory of the incidents in OotPf

7. Ignores a lot of the BtVS canon.

**Author's note**: This is in need of beta-ing. Please let me know where all the mistakes are. Thanks! (Sorry - I put it up without beta-ing it first but some stuff is fixed now, but I know there is more)

* * *

"_For every generation, there is a Chosen One. She will alone stand against the vampires and the forces of darkness._"

* * *

When Minerva McGonagall left the Watcher's Council, she never expected to receive a letter from them stating that the Slayer had died and the new Slayer could be found at Hogwarts.

xxx

"So," said Severus Snape, startling Minerva, as he slid in next to her at Head Table. "Have you received any interesting mail lately?"

Minerva blinked. "Why? Have you?"

"Well, I heard from _our_ friends."

Flitwick and Hagrid looked between them, interestedly. They had never seen the two actually getting along, let alone saying they shared friends.

Minerva frowned.

"They're sending a _package_ for us," Severus said.

Minerva resisted the urge to sigh and roll her eyes. "Yes, I _know_, Sevvie…rus." Severus' eyebrows jumped up to his hairline as Minerva hastily added, "I wish they would keep their package to themselves."

"I guess they did not receive our cancellation forms," Severus said.

Minevra suddenly realized that Dumbledore was looking very curious. "Come, Severus," she said, dragging him from the table.

"Wait – Minnie…vra, I haven't finished my dinner!"

"We can eat in your office, Severus."

"Why mine? We always use mine," Severus complained.

"Hush," said Minerva as they walked out of the Great Hall, seemingly unaware of the students and staff's sudden interest in their very random flight from the table.

"_Sevvierus_?" Flitwick echoed to Hagrid, looking astonished, who whispered back, "_Minnievra?_"

xxx

Finally accepting that she couldn't have Harry Potter, Romilda Vane was determined to have Draco Malfoy.

"I want Malfoy," she said to her friend.

Neville Longbottom, sitting across from her, choked and Seamus Finnigan stopped speaking for a split second – a miracle in itself – before continuing his heated argument with Dean Thomas. As usual, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and the famous Harry Potter paid no mind to the usual gossip as they were whispering together.

Neville recovered from his coughing fit and went back to eating, listening to their conversation intently, not noticing Seamus glancing over often.

"Draco Malfoy's a git," Romilda's friend said. "Stuck up and thinks too much of himself. You'd never get a chance with him."

"But _I'm_ going to convince him," Romilda said. "After all, I hear he's got piles of gold _and_ look at him – he's gorgeous."

"A bit on scrawny side," her friend said, looking over at the topic of their conversation, missing the gleam of interest in Seamus' eyes and Neville's unusual attentiveness to his food.

"Whatever." Romilda looked disgruntled. "He's mine, anyway. And what's the pug-face girl doing?"

"That's Pansy Parkinson," Romilda's friend said. "I hear they're engaged."

"What!" Romilda was infuriated. "She'd better her claws off him. He's _mine._"

"Romilda!" her friend said, in aghast tones, grabbing the girl's robes as she stood up, probably to storm over and fight Pansy Parkinson for her boyfriend.

"She has no right," Romilda said furiously. "Draco Malfoy's mine – he'll love _me_ not her. I'll make him forget that dog-faced girl."

She jumped up – probably to snatch Draco away from Pansy Parkinson, but her sudden leap from her seat went unnoticed as most students stood up announcing the end of dinner. There was a mass exodus out of the Great Hall, and Romilda went unnoticed as she made her way toward Draco Malfoy. At some point, Pansy Parkinson had left with Blaise Zabini, leaving Draco Malfoy quite alone. Crabbe and Goyle, Romilda could see, were still stuffing their faces.

Once she was close enough to grab Draco's arm she said, "Hi, I'm Romilda Vane. You're love with me."

Draco stared at her for a long time. "I'm in love with you?" Draco repeated.

Romilda let out an unearthly feminine squeal and threw her arms around Draco, screaming, "I knew it! I knew you loved me!" And she grabbed Draco by the head and attempted to steal a kiss only to have Neville Longbottom pull Draco away and someone pull her away at the exact same instance.

"But, Draco, I thought you said you loved _me_," Neville Longbottom said, earnestly to Draco.

"No, Romilda, you _can't _love _him_ – you love _me!_" Seamus Finnigan said to her at the exact same moment.

There was a pause as everyone took a moment to think about what had just been said.

Finally Draco said, "Great work! I almost believed you this time."

Neville blinked, and then beamed at Draco. "Thanks! I've been practicing!"

Seamus turned to Romilda, saying, "You were great too. I didn't know you replaced Pansy!"

Romilda stared at them.

"Pity how nobody noticed," Draco said, looking around.

"Maybe next time," Neville said, "I should be the one who jumps up and tries to snog you."

Romilda forced a sudden smile. "Er…. This has been fun. But I think I just heard my friend calling me. Goodbye!" She ran off, probably scared to death.

"Wow," said Draco, gazing after her. "I didn't know we were _that_ scary."

Seamus and Neville stared at Draco.

"So…" said Seamus, looking at Neville.

"Is there something I'm missing?" asked Neville, looking at Seamus.

Draco coughed. "Um, there's something I need to tell you about each other…" When Seamus and Neville looked at him, Draco added hastily, "Not that! I'm not dating either you! Er… that sounded dumb." Draco looked down at the floor, before saying, "You both know my, uh, secret."

"Great," said Neville, in relief. "Seamus can pretend to be your boyfriend next time."

"Hopefully there won't be a next time," Draco muttered grimly.

xxx

In Severus Snape's office, he and Minerva were discussing the so-called package.

"I cannot believe – the Slayer at Hogwarts!" Minerva yelled. "I quit! I told them I was leaving and I wasn't going to do it!"

"Well, I'm _not_ going to be the one doing it – I never finished my training," Severus said hotly.

"Oh but, Sevvie," Minevra said as the door opened. Severus jumped away from Minerva, suddenly realizing how close they were to each other. Minerva let her hand drop from where she had been about to pat Severus' cheek.

"Am I interrupting something?" Flitwick squeaked looking between them.

"Ah, no," said Severus. "Minnie was just leaving."

"_Minnie_?" Flitwick echoed.

"Erva," Severus added hastily.

Minerva rolled her eyes as she slid off Severus' desk, which she'd been sitting on, "Goodnight," she said over her shoulder as she walked away.

xxx

Harry, Ron, and Hermione, like the majority of people who did not know Draco's secret – whatever it was, were whispering furiously about the spectacle of McGonagall walking hand in hand with Snape out of the Great Hall.

"What was that with Snape and McGonagall?" Harry asked.

"You don't think," Ron began and assumed a disgusted expression. "You don't think they're _together_, do you?"

"No, no," said Hermione, looking horrified at the very thought. "No. McGonagall's a lot smarter than that!"

"I don't think intelligence has anything to do with liking someone," Harry said, a bit hesitantly, thinking of the one he liked. Then Harry's eyes widened. "Oh no," he said. "Hide me – it's that girl – Romilda…"

Harry grabbed Seamus, who was walking past them, whispering, "Hide me! It's that girl – the crazy one!"

Seamus looked at Ron and Hermione, who were both trying hard not to laugh, and followed their gaze to one Romilda Vane.

"I don't think this is a good idea," Seamus told Harry.

Romilda stopped when she saw Seamus standing next to Harry. Her smile dimmed and an expression of horror briefly crossed her face, but she forced a smile, saying, "Hi, Harry." Then she walked past him rapidly – almost as though she were running away.

"What was that?" Ron asked.

"You don't want to know."

Just then Neville walked up to Seamus. "Was that…?"

"Oh, yeah. I think she's…" Seamus said.

"I would be too," said Neville.

"Makes sense considering…" added Seamus.

Neville looked at Harry, Ron, and Hermione, and said, "Oh, hey! I didn't see you there."

"Do you want to go and talk about…?" Seamus said.

"Sure," said Neville. "Let's go."

Hermione, Ron, and Harry watched them go, feeling horribly confused.

"I think," said Harry, "that we should follow them."

"Follow Neville and Seamus," Ron said. "What's with you and following people, Harry?"

"What?" said Harry. "I haven't been following people."

Hermione let out a cough that sounded remarkably like Malfoy. Ron giggled at the sound. Hermione and Harry turned to stare at Ron. Ron blushed, and coughed, muttering, "Sorry."

"So," said Harry, and then spotted Luna. "Are people from other houses allowed into other common rooms?"

"No. Why?" asked Hermione, then spotted Luna. "What's she doing here?"

Luna made her way toward them, smiling as she said, "I saw the most interesting thing at dinner today."

"What?" said Hermione. "Did you see the Loch Ness monster?"

Luna gave her a strange look. "Nessie isn't inside the castle, you know. Besides, Nessie is a water dragon."

Hermione blinked at the information.

"So, what did you see, Luna?" Harry asked.

"I saw the strangest little play involving Draco Malfoy, Seamus, Neville, and that girl – Romilda Vane. I don't think they saw me, though."

"Wait. What did you just say? Seamus, Neville, and _Draco Malfoy_?" Ron asked, in horrified shock.

"Yes, with Romilda. It looked like they were putting on a play. They complimented each other's acting skills afterward, so I assume it was a play," Luna said, looking thoughtful. "Seamus said that Pansy played Romilda's part before. It's really interesting, you know. Neville suggested that he should be the one to jump up and try to kiss Draco next time," Luna added. "But then he said Seamus should do it."

"What play are you on about," Hermione demanded.

"I don't know," said Luna. "But it looked quite funny."

Just then they noticed that Dennis Creevey was lingering nearby, apparently listening in on their conversation. Once he realized that Harry had seen him, he smiled and waved, cheerfully, saying, "Hi, Harry!"

"Hi," said Harry, but Dennis was already scampering off.

"I think he's gone to talk to Neville and Seamus," said Ron, looking in the direction Dennis had run off. "I don't believe it. Seamus just gave Dennis a Galleon."

"Do you think they're Death Eaters?" Luna asked. "Because I don't think so. I think they're having a torrid love affair with Draco Malfoy. Oh, look. I have to go."

They watched Luna walk away.

"A torrid love affair," Hermione repeated. "Oh dear."

xxx

Dean Thomas sighed, utterly bored. Seamus and Neville were currently whispering to each other, and he was sure it was about that strange play which had caused them both to buy Draco Malfoy a dress and a skirt last Christmas. He wandered deeper into the common room and overheard Ron, Luna, Hermione, and Harry talking about the play. He reached them just as Luna left.

"A torrid love affair," he heard Hermione say. "Oh, dear."

"Oh, no," Dean said to them. "Are you in the play too?" Then he blinked. "What torrid love affair?"

"The one between Neville, Seamus, and Malfoy," Ron said, sounding disgusted.

"I never thought of that," said Dean. "But it does make sense. Everything makes sense now. All that sneaking out late night to sneak into the Slytherin dorms… Neville getting Malfoy a skirt – he said it was a kilt… and Seamus getting Malfoy a dress."

"Seamus got Malfoy a dress?" Harry said, sounding far too interested.

"Yeah," said Dean. "He said it was for a play."

"That doesn't make any sense," said Hermione. "And why is McGonagall terrorizing the first year girls?"

xxx

McGonagall, despite what Hermione said, was not terrorizing the first year girls. She was interviewing them, trying to discover if any of them had strange dreams recently. She sighed, when last first year Gryffindor girl ran away from her, looking relieved to get away. She made a note on her notepad.

As she walked out of the Gryffindor Tower, heading toward the dungeons where Severus was interviewing the first year Slytherin girls, McGonagall muttered, "There's got to be a better way to find the Slayer without drawing so much attention to ourselves."

Once she reached Severus' territory, she decided wait to in his rooms. She let herself inside, and sat down on one of the couches.

The door opened, and Severus walked into the room. He only raised an eyebrow when he saw her there, as he went to get himself some tea.

"Did you find the One," Minerva asked, as he came back with the tea. He sat down next to her, so that their legs were touching.

"No," said Severus. "I didn't. Did you – never mind. Don't answer that; I can tell you didn't. It'd be useful if the Council had just told who it was."

"You know they can't figure it out – so many of them have magickal talents. It's not easy finding a Slayer who is also a witch," Minevra said.

"Yes, Minnie," said Severus. "But the fact is they should have stuck with the Muggles if it is so difficult."

"Maybe it's a Muggle-born," Minevra said.

"No," said Severus. "We'll not risk it. Tomorrow we shall ask for girl only classes."

"Sevvie?" said Minevra. "Don't you think people will get suspicious?"

Severus removed his robes, revealing his cashmere sweater and leather pants.

Minerva stared at him.

"Oh, Sevvie," she said. "You're hopeless. A cashmere sweater with leather pants?"

"They were clean," said Severus. "I don't mock you for your clothing."

Minerva scowled. "You're a grown man, Sevvie, I'll not be doing your laundry!"  
"Um," said Draco in a very small voice. "Am I interrupting something?"

Severus paused in the act of removing his sweater, before pulling it completely off to reveal his T-shirt.

Draco stared at the shirt. "Don't hate me because your girlfriend thinks I'm gorgeous?" Draco frowned. "My mother has very odd sense of humor."

"Actually," said Severus, looking at Draco. "Your father got me the shirt. He thought it'd be funny."

"Sevvie?" said Minevra. Then she remembered Draco. "Severus," she added hastily. "I'll just be going, then." She frowned. "What are you doing here, Mr. Malfoy? I was not aware that students were allowed into their professors' private living rooms." She turned to Severus, and shrieked, "Sevvie – stop undressing! There's a student in the room!"

That was first time that Minerva McGonagall had the privilege of seeing Draco Malfoy laugh – truly laugh to the point he was gasping that he could not breathe, and tears were coming out of his eyes.

"He's my Godfather," said Draco, after calming down. "I've seen his horrible underwear before."

"What!?" cried Minerva.

"When have you seen me in my underwear, Draco?" Severus demanded.

Draco smirked, raising an eyebrow, looking at Severus up and down, as he said, "Other than right now?"

"What!" Minerva said, turning around to look at Severus. "Put on some clothes, Severus!"

"What would the point of taking them off if I just put them back on?" Severus asked, then turning to Draco. "Never mind; I don't have anything Draco's never seen before. I do, however, wish to know when Draco saw my underwear."

Draco shrugged. "In bathroom about to take a bath." Draco beamed at them, ignoring their horrified looks. "I was four," Draco added. "I didn't know it was wrong to watch people undress. My mother yelled at me – she said it was inappropriate for a young la-da – lad to watch men undress." When Minerva and Severus stared at Draco, he shrugged, adding, "Sorry. My tongue got stuck. I have a stutter. Don't make of fun me."  
"That's enough, Mr. Malfoy," Minerva said, hastily. "It's time for you to go to bed."

"You watched me get ready for a bath?" Severus said faintly. "I feel so violated."

"I was _four_," Draco said.

"Right," said Minerva. "Come along, Mr. Malfoy."

Draco went along obediently enough before suddenly he stopped and said, "Wait. But Blaise Zabini said Professor Snape wanted to see me. I don't know why. But I guess it wasn't important." Draco smiled beamingly at his Transfiguration professor. Minerva McGonagall blinked at the sudden small beam of sunshine next to her. "Goodnight, Professor," Draco added.

Minerva was already in her rooms in the Gryffindor Tower when she realized that Draco's voice had been very light and airy, which was odd for a boy.

xxx

Harry, Ron, and Hermione made their way down into the dungeons for Potions, which happened to be the first class of the day. They were already in the corridor that took them directly into Snape's classroom, when they heard Pansy Parkinson saying, "Draco, you can take off today with the rest of the _boys_." Harry frowned, looking at Ron, and then at Hermione. Pansy had put too emphasis on the word 'boys'.

"Why?" they heard Draco Malfoy asking her.

"Because," another Slytherin boy replied, "Snape's gone mental. He's requested all girl classes."

Harry was startled.

"What do they mean, 'all girl classes'?" Hermione whispered.

"Who cares," said Ron. "We get a free period."

"I'm a girl, Ron," Hermione said stiffly. "Or did you forget? Again."  
Ron blushed bright red, but Harry paid them no mind, too busy listening in onto the conversation between the Slytherins.

"All girl classes," an unfamiliar voice said, very dryly.

"Maybe you should go, Draco," said another unfamiliar voice.

"Very funny," said Malfoy. "Aren't Crabbe and Goyle the funniest things ever, Blaise?"

"They've got a point," said Blaise. "After all, you are one of the girls. Ouch! _Ouch_! I take it back! You're one of us guys!"

"Pity," said an unfamiliar voice. "Draco looks so good in a miniskirt."

"Vincent Crabbe, if you don't shut up I'm going to hit you," said Malfoy.

Harry wondered when Draco Malfoy had worn a miniskirt. Then he realized – "Vincent Crabbe can talk?"

"What?" said Hermione, shocked out of her and Ron's argument about Ron's clueless-ness of the fact that Hermione was very much a girl and didn't just look like one.

"Crabbe can't talk," said Ron, scoffing at very notion. But Harry was convinced that Vincent Crabbe had said that Draco Malfoy looked very good in a miniskirt.

"Hush, listen," said Harry to Hermione and Ron.

"...Draco Malfoy isn't that scary," said Blaise Zabini. "Ouch," he added.

"No," said a gruff voice. "Draco Malfoy is a lethal weapon. See, people wonder why Crabbe and I never talk, but we don't say anything because we are usually threatened with bodily harm. And trust me, you don't want Draco to punch you."

"Yeah. Draco may look like a girl, but hits like boy."

"Crabbe," said Malfoy. "Do you really want me to hit you?"

"Shutting up now," said Crabbe.

"Oh good. Now you can pretend to be my troll-like minions!" Malfoy said happily as he rounded the corner and came face to face with Ron, Hermione, and Harry who all gaped at them. Blaise Zabini ignored them, and grinned, reaching up to mess up Malfoy's perfect hair, as he said, "You wish."

Ron, Hermione, and Harry watched them leave, heading in the direction of the Great Hall.

"Malfoy looks like a girl?" Ron said, dumbly.

"Malfoy wears miniskirts," said Harry, looking about ready to drool.

"What!?" Ron and Hermione nearly shrieked, turning look at him.

"What, what?" said Harry,

"What, what, what?" asked Ron.

"Boys!" said Hermione. She looked in the direction of Malfoy with a very thoughtful look on her face.

xxx

"Today was really weird," Seamus said to Draco, leaning against the wall.

"Mmmm," said Draco.

"Yeah, it was," said Pansy Parkinson. "McGonagall and Snape have lost it. They've misplaced their marbles. Gone utterly mental. I mean, really – all girl classes? _Both_ of them?"

"Mmm…" said Draco. "So good."

"Draco," said Neville. "That borders on public indecency."

"What? It's _chocolate_," Draco said, licking his fingers, one by one.

"Never underestimate the power of chocolate," Pansy said. "Oh, no, it's that girl – that Weasley girl – I heard some fifth year girls talking in the lavatory; they say she's got a thing for your ass, Draco."

Draco look looked scandalized. "Oh, dear," Draco said. "Who's willing to save me?"

"Gotta run," said Pansy, as the Weasley girl made her way toward them. "Kiss, kiss, Draco. Bye!"

"Bloody coward!" Draco yelled after her.

The Weasley girl frowned, looking slightly confused, but then decided to keep going in their direction.

"Oh no," said Neville. "Pansy, wait up! You can't leave me here."

"Am I surrounded by cowards?" Draco asked, despairingly, watching him hurry to catch Pansy.

Draco turned to Seamus, the last person there.

"You're a Gryffindor," Draco said. "Save me. I don't want to be kissed by a girl. She's a Gryffindor girl."

"I'm a Gryffindor," Seamus pointed out. Then he sighed. "Fine. You owe. Big."

"Feeling me up will be a good payment I think," said Draco.

"Good point," said Seamus, and he grabbed Draco by the waist and kissed him. With tongue.

xxx

Dean was looking for Ron, but crossing the courtyard, he spotted Ginny. He called out to her, but she didn't seem to hear him. So, he followed her until he reached her and they both took in the scene in front of them at the same time. Seamus was leaning against the wall, with Draco Malfoy in his arms, and kissing him.

"Oh my God," said Dean.

"Malfoy and _Seamus_," Ginny asked, sounding devastated.

Suddenly there was a small crowd openly gaping at Seamus and Malfoy, who apparently didn't notice them.

"Oh my God," said Ron. "First a miniskirt now – now – now – now –"

"Malfoy's snogging Seamus," said Harry. "Oh my God. That's hot." Harry looked at the appalled faces of Ron and Hermione. "Uh – disturbing. I meant hot in a disturbing sort of way. Did I say hot? I meant to say…not... right…Right!"

"Right," said Ron looking at him strangely before exchanging a look with Hermione.

"What's going on here?" Snape demanded, cutting through the small crowd.

"Severus," McGonagall said, looking at him. Then her eyes widened as she took in the scene before them. "Oh my. I didn't think he'd be the type."

"Draco is kissing a boy," Snape said, ignoring the fact he was standing next to Harry. "Draco Malfoy is kissing a boy. Lucius Malfoy's only child is kissing a _Gryffindor_ boy. Oh, Merlin. His father is going to kill me."

"What's wrong with Gryffindor?" McGonagall asked.

"Nothing," said Snape, turning to look at McGonagall, ignoring the interested looks they were getting from the students that were standing on tiptoe to see what was going on. "Nothing," Snape repeated. "Except Draco is kissing – is kissing a _boy_." Snape looked at Seamus and Draco. "Although, it would be incredibly disturbing to see Draco kissing a girl."

McGonagall and Harry both stared at Snape.

"So you're saying that Malfoy can't kiss _anyone_?" asked Harry.

"Thirty points from Gryffindor for being unable to keep your nose out of other people's business, Potter," Snape said.

"Thirty points to Gryffindor for annoying Professor Snape," said McGonagall.

Draco suddenly yelped, and slapped Seamus across the face. "I'm not that easy!" Draco said.

"The hell," Seamus said, rubbing his face. "You said I could kiss and that you'd let me feel you up."

"I said you could _teach_ me how to kiss," Draco said. Then he turned around, stared at everyone who was staring at the two of them. He looked back at Seamus. "Would you look at that? Someone noticed our play this time," Draco said.

"Yeah," said Seamus. "And you're pretty convincing when you have your tongue down my throat and then you just jump away and slap me. Of course people are going to notice!" Seamus glared at Draco. "You can kiss Pansy next time."

"_Her_!" Draco said. "_She_ ran away from the idea of kissing me."

"Really?" said Seamus. "She doesn't know what she's missing. Besides… that would be hot – you kissing a girl."

"Wait," said Harry, loudly. "So is this a practice scene or this the real play?"

"Practice," said Seamus.

"Real," said Draco. They stared at each other. "A real practice," they said in unison.

Then Draco noticed Snape glaring at McGonagall. "And you two have the weirdest way of flirting with each other."

"We're not flirting!" McGonagall and Snape shouted in unison, stepping away from each other in horror.

"Funny," said Draco. "I walk in on you two in a bedroom and now you say you're not flirting."

"It was the living room," McGonagall said. "And if I recall correctly, I dragged you away from Professor Snape's indecent striptease!"

"I was not stripping!" said Snape. Then he glared at McGonagall. "And you're not helping."

Now everyone was whispering excitedly. Eventually, by the time, Lavender mentioned this incident to Harry, the rumor said that Draco Malfoy walked in on McGonagall and Snape in a state of undress, and in revenge had gone off to kiss Seamus Finnigan. Although, some people suggested it was all part of the elaborate play Seamus and Malfoy had said it was.

xxx

The days passed and the rumor died, although it seemed as though Draco Malfoy and Seamus Finnigan were an item, as they could often be found kissing each other senseless. When asked why, Draco said it was to annoy his real boyfriend and Seamus said it was to annoy Professor Snape, which of course led to the rumor that Professor Snape was Draco Malfoy's real boyfriend.

The truth of it was, as they would later find out, Draco was secretly in love with Harry Potter and Seamus… well, Seamus is a different a story.

And of, McGonagall and Snape's fruitless search for the Slayer continued. Neither wanted to be the new Slayer's Watcher, but they had agreed that whomever found the Slayer first would be the Watcher. Of course, if they died, then, well… they died, as neither of them really wanted to be the Watcher.

So when Minerva crept away from Severus' rooms, she did not think that she would find the Slayer. Then she heard a noise – someone was screaming. She hurried down the corridor, and rounded the corner only to stop short.

Hermione Granger was half sprawled on floor, half leaning against the wall, her wand held up like knife in front of her and Minerva could see dust everywhere.

"Where did he go?" Hermione asked. "I stabbed him with my wand. People don't turn to dust when they're stabbed. They bleed."

xxx

Hermione had been trying to follow Draco Malfoy, due to the disturbing rumors and things she had seen. She knew that Malfoy had to be planning something. She was sure he was going to hurt Seamus – after all, Seamus had never shown any signs of being gay before they caught him snogging Draco Malfoy. It had to be either the Imperius Curse or a love potion.

She didn't realize she was being followed into the dungeons until it was almost too late.

The man came at her, seemingly out of nowhere. Hermione fell, screaming, slamming her shoulder against the wall and banging her knee on the floor. Instinctively, she stuck out her wand and was horrified when she recognized Filch just as he impaled himself on her Vinewood wand. She expected him to scream and bleed all over her, but what he did instead, was turn into dust.

"Where did he go?" she asked, bewildered. "I stabbed him with my wand. People don't turn to dust when they're stabbed. They bleed."

"You're her!" McGonagall exclaimed, startling her.

"I'm who?" asked Hermione, confused.

"The Chosen One."

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "I thought that was Harry."

"Oh, no – that isn't what I meant. I meant you're the Slayer."

Hermione gaped. "You mean like – like – that television show with that maniac depressive American girl named Muffy, no that's not it… Fluffy… no, that's Hagrid's maniac dog… Auffy, no… Buffy…" Hermione frowned. "Buffy – yes, that's it!"

"What's a Buffy?" McGonagall asked her, staring.

"Oh, it's this girl on television – she's a vampire Slayer on the show."

"No, no," said McGonagall. "I remember what this is. That was the scandal when a Muggle Hollywood producer kidnapped a Watcher."

Hermione stared. "A Hollywood producer kidnapped a Watcher?"

"Oh, yes," said McGonagall. "You'd be surprised at how often someone is kidnapped by a Hollywood producer. Why, the other day, Severus was telling me that Malfoy told him – quite cheerfully – that a witch was kidnapped a few days ago by a Hollywood producer. Severus said Malfoy found it hysterically funny that he might be able to go and watch a film about us soon."

"Malfoy knows about films?" Hermione asked, bewildered.

McGonagall looked thoughtful. "I suppose he does. Severus did mention an unfortunate addition to something called Starfox. I did ask Malfoy what on Merlin's earth this Starfox was. He said it was something called a video game, whatever that is."

Hermione wondered if the world had ended or if she had just accidentally found her way into an alternative universe.

"Malfoy plays video games," Hermione said. "Malfoy watches Muggle films."

"Malfoy kisses boys too," McGonagall said. When Hermione looked at her professor, McGonagall shrugged. "That's what Severus said. He was very disturbed by this."

"So, about this Chosen One and the Slayer thing… what are you talking about?" Hermione asked.

"Oh," said McGonagall. "Well, for every generation there is a –"

"Yes, yes," said Hermione. "I know. They repeated every time that Buffy show was on. My mother quite enjoys it, so I've heard/seen _that_ a million times."

"Very well," said McGonagall. "Well, you must be the Slayer. You are the Chosen One."

"I thought Harry was the chosen," Ron said behind her.

"I did, too," said Harry.

"Not that," Hermione said, rolling her eyes. "The vampire Slayer."

"Like that American show?" asked Ron.

Hermione and Harry stared at Ron.

"Wonderful," said McGonagall. "Malfoy isn't the only pureblood who watches television then. Severus said he was crazy; but you do watch that show?"

"My dad loves that show," said Ron. "Wait – did you say Malfoy watches television?"

"Yes," said McGonagall. "He goes to the cinema and plays video games too."

"That's so not fair," said Harry. "How come Malfoy gets to play video games and I never have!"

They looked at Harry, who waved his hand around. "I mean, really – it's so not fair. Malfoy looks incredibly hot kissing another boy – which I never would, he plays video games when I'm not allowed to, and he's _blonde_!"

"What does that have to do with anything?" Hermione asked.

"Malfoy's blonde?" Ron said. "Really? I thought he dyed his hair."

"Yes, well, never mind the age-old argument on whether Malfoy's white-blonde hair is natural or from a bottle," McGonagall said impatiently. "Since you all know about the vampire Slayer, you might as well come with me."

She led them down into the dungeons.

"Severus," McGonagall, rapping on the door. "Are you decent?"

She ignored Hermione, Ron, and Harry's startled looks, and pushed the door open.

"_Why_ are you wearing leather again?" McGonagall asked him.

"I thought you said you didn't want me to answer the door in my underwear anymore," said Snape.

"Unless it's the one with the little gold snitches," McGonagall said eagerly. "I do like those."

"Yes," said Snape. "You would. Draco got them for me. Said I needed new ones."

"Well, yes, you did traumatize him with letting him see your old ones," McGonagall said, waving off the fact that a student had gotten a professor underwear.

"I didn't let Draco see my underwear," said Snape. "Draco violated me."

Ron, Hermione, and Harry choked. "Malfoy violated a _teacher_?" Hermione squeaked.

"He was watching me get ready for a bath," said Snape. "I feel _so_ violated."

"Severus," said McGonagall. "I believe Draco pointed out he was only four years old at time."

"That doesn't matter. My godchild saw me in my underwear," Snape said, pouting.

"Yes, well," McGonagall said. "He did see you in your underwear the other night since you were stripping."

"How many times do I have to tell you that I wasn't stripping!" Snape suddenly seemed to realize who he was having this bizarre conversation in front of. "And what are they doing here?"

"Oh," said McGonagall. "Hermione Granger seems to be the Slayer."

"Oh, really," said Snape. "Dumbledore will be disappointed that we won't be sneaking into each other's flats late at night anymore."

Ron seemed to be praying and Hermione seemed to verge of fainting and Harry nearly salivating at the sight of a shirtless Snape.

"Oh my God," said Harry. "Look at that body! And the leather…"

"Oh no," said Snape. "First Malfoy, now _you_?"

"Malfoy would look far better in the leather and without a shirt too," Harry said dreamily.

"Okay," said Hermione. "This is just a very, very bad dream."

Ron turned around and began to shake her, shouting, "Wake up, Hermione! Wake up! Save us!"

"Right, then," said Snape. "I knew you were all annoying little brats, but I didn't realize you were all insane. Now, about the Slayer… have you been having the dreams, Granger?"

"You mean strange scary dreams?" Hermione asked. "I don't know. I did have a strange dream about Dumbledore and lollipops, though. Does that count?"

Snape groaned and turned banged his head on the wall next to him.

"Severus!" McGonagall, said, shocked. Just then the door opened.

"Uncle Sevvie, I had a strange and scary nightmare. Can I sleep on your couch again?" Malfoy asked. Then blinked when he saw Hermione, Ron, and Harry inside the room.

"Again?" McGonagall asked. "I thought I told you to stop doing that. Go to my rooms, you may sleep there and I'll get you hot chocolate."

"Good idea," said Malfoy. "Because I was dreaming that the boys were molesting me again."

"It's not their fault," Harry said. "It's yours because you're so pretty. Can I touch you?"

"NO!" shouted Snape. "Lucius Malfoy will have my head! Draco, get out, go to Minnie's rooms and she'll be right along!"

Draco stared at Snape. "You do realize that Potter's a Gryffindor and Minnie's rooms are in _Gryffindor_ Tower?"

"Yes, but Potter doesn't know where they are. Now go, before I call your mother."

"You wouldn't dare, Uncle Sevvie!" Malfoy turned to McGonagall. "Aunt Minnie, he's threatening me!"  
"Severus, leave Draco alone. You go on, Draco. I'll be there as soon as I'm done here."

"It's late," said Snape suddenly. "We shall talk about the Slayer and the history of Slayers tomorrow after dinner. I'm afraid I shall have to assign you detention."

"What!" Ron, Hermione and Harry exclaimed. "Why?"

"Because it would be rather difficult for me to tell your classmates that you _all_ need remedial Potions, especially with Granger."

"Well, then," said McGonagall. "Off to bed."

"Wait," said Ron. "Malfoy's sleeping with you, Professor McGonagall."

"No," said McGonagall. "Draco Malfoy is not sleeping _with_ me. Malfoy is sleeping on my couch."

xxx

The next morning, everyone was sitting in the common room, because it was the weekend, talking, or getting ready to head for breakfast, when suddenly Draco Malfoy walked into their common room, holding a stuffed dragon in his arms.

"Draco?" Seamus asked, staring at Draco. "Did you just come out of McGonagall's _room_?"

There was a flurry of whispers, and Draco eeped and ran for the stairs. Neville's eyes widened and he hurried after Draco, heading up the stairs that led to the girls' dorms. There was a yelp and suddenly Draco Malfoy and Neville Longbottom were tangled up at the bottom of the stairs.

"Ouch, ouch! Neville, you monster, you stepped on my hand!" Draco shouted.

Dean tilted his head. "Is this part of the play too," he asked.

xxx

As everyone knew, the Hogwarts grapevine was immense. By the time the week was halfway over, the rumor-mill said that Snape was molesting Draco Malfoy and McGonagall was trying to save Malfoy from Snape's lecherous intents. Others – mostly the Slytherins, claimed that McGonagall was trying to seduce Malfoy into becoming Gryffindor, and others still claimed that Malfoy was playing both of his professors. Some said it was a very strange romantic triangle, but romantic nonetheless. Others still wondered why Malfoy was still kissing Seamus when he'd been spotted coming out of Snape and McGonagall's bedrooms. There was a rumor of Malfoy being a love slave to both of them. Harry Potter started a few rumors by stating he wouldn't mind having some of Malfoy himself… or Snape for that matter, since Snape was really hot without a shirt. Ron started his own rumor by adding that Snape had the sexiest voice, but quickly seemed horrified by his own thoughtless comment. Hermione said they were all crazy.

But despite the rumors, life went on, and Hermione was told she was the Slayer, but from what she could remember of the television show, she thought that someone else must've been. She also heard the rumors of Filch's disappearance and wondered if she'd really killed him and it wasn't her imagination.

xxx

Draco Malfoy was sitting on the couch in McGonagall's rooms for the sixth time that week, wondering if he should go to sleep. The issue was… he really didn't want to dream about people turning into dust when they were introduced to sharp, pointing wooden sticks or strange creatures getting their heads chopped off…. Like a fungus demon – whatever _that_ was. He sighed, wondering why him.

He glanced around the room uneasily, hoping McGonagall wouldn't sneak up on him and read his father's letter over his shoulder.

_Draco_

_I have received word of your strange affairs with profs McGonagall and Snape and that filthy half-blood Seamus F. I do not approve of this. We have discussed this at length, Draco. I informed you that your lust of Snape is unacceptable. I advised you to turn your affections to someone closer to your own age not a female professor like McGonagall. Did you know she taught your mother and I? Well… she didn't – but she could have! Seamus is a better person to turn your affections toward. He, however, is a BOY. We have discussed this, Draco. You are not to pay mind to boys. Try to lust after girls closer to your age._

_Your father,_

_Lucius_

_P.S.: Pansy seems like a nice girl…_

Draco sighed and reread the last line with a shudder, before laying it aside and picking up the letter from his mother.

_Darling Draco, _

_I have heard of your… how shall I write this… flings with Severus, Minevra, and Seamus. I approve of Seamus but Minevra? Severus? What are you thinking, Draco? They are twice your age! Severus could be your father... although – he is rather sexy and sensual isn't he? All dark and brooding and – but no, that's not what I wanted to say. He could be your father… he's not though (unfortunately… fortunately!). What was I saying? Oh, yes – you should not have affairs with your professors. Like that girl with Lockhart… never mind – don't have affairs with teachers no matter how good looking they are. Although Remus Lupin might make a good mate if you like werewolves. But he could bite you. I forbid you from dating werewolves! Or vampires, or Watchers, or Slayers (but they'd be girls too, so I don't see… forget it). And Minevra is a Watcher – so it goes without saying that you are forbidden from dating her. Never mind that she retired. You can never escape the Watcher's Council…. Seamus seems like a nice boy. I could plan your wedding and you could wear my dress. I should send his mum an owl. It has been a long time since I last spoke to her. Her wedding to that Muggle, I believe it was. I forbid you from dating Muggles! Oh, dear – your father's coming and he has that look. The sexy one… yum!_

_Your loving Mum_

_Cissy_

_P.S: Do not fall in love with a demon! Like Pansy._

Draco sighed. His mother's ramblings made little to no sense to him, but she did say he could wear her wedding dress robes. Draco brightened at the thought of his wedding. Draco went misty eyed at the pictures that paraded through his mind – the groom with the dark, messy hair and brilliant colored eyes… smiling as he floated down the aisle… then Draco thought of Lucius dragging him away and he could hear his father's voice shouting in his mind.

_What in the bloody hell possessed you to get engaged to Harry bleeding Potter!_

Draco blinked.

"So much for perfect-world fantasies," he whispered to himself.

Draco sighed and put the letters away, curling up on the couch and going toward to sleep.

xxx

_Draco was dreaming. He knew he was dreaming because he was in a skirt – the mini-skirt Vincent had so admired._

_"You think you know – what's to come, what you are. You haven't even begun…" a voice whispered in his mind._

_He saw flashes of yellow eyes and fangs – girls running, fighting…. "it's always got to be blood…" a male voice murmured._

Draco sat up, startled. Worrying his lip, he swung his legs off the couch in Minerva's living area. He headed off to her bedroom and paused at the door, wondering if it was okay to wake her up because of a dream with fangs.

"The bunnies!" McGonagall moaned. "Sevvie save me! The bunnies! Oh, god the bunnies!"

Draco started giggling. "Bunnies?" he whispered. "Cute, fluffy bunnies? Like Mr. Rabbit?" Draco looked down at his stuffed purple bunny which he hugged to his chest. Making up his mind, Draco pushed the door open and said, "Aunt Minnie, the bunnies are okay – see?" He handed her his stuffed rabbit as she stared at him blankly, sitting up in her bed, disoriented. Her eyes focused on Mr. Rabbit and screamed.

"Sevvie!" she whimpered.

Draco was bewildered. "No, see, Mr. Rabbit's okay?"

"Oh…" said McGonagall, still inching away from the bunny. "Oh… that… that's nice. You should put him in the other room."

"Oh!" said Draco, misunderstanding. "He's not real. He's a stuffed bunny my dad gave me when I was three."

"Oh, that's – Mr. Weasley? Potter? Granger? What are you doing here? I thought you were Pat – sleeping. In – in your dorms."

Draco flushed, still holding Mr. Rabbit, wishing he could sink through floor. He was too sleeping with stuffed animals.

"Oh!" said Harry. "You were our Damsel… I – I mean, we heard you scream!" He turned to Draco and said, dreamily, "Hi, Draco."

"Um, hi?" Draco said, clutching Mr. Rabbit to his chest, eyes big and standing bare-foot and dressed over-sized pajamas.

"All these years of making fun of me – don't you have enough money for pajamas that fit you?" Ron demanded.

Draco flushed. "Maybe I just like them big! Besides, they're Uncle Sevvie's."

The trio stared at him.

"Hey, did you know you have a purple rabbit in your arms?" Hermione asked.

McGonagall squeaked, backing up so that she fell out of the bed.

"Professor!" they all squealed. "Are you okay?"

"Oh! I'm quite all right."

"Me and Mr. Rabbit will be going now," Draco announced. "Bye!"

"Mr. Rabbit?" they all echoed.

"That is so _cute_," Harry gushed. At their odd looks, he added hastily, "I mean… aren't you seventeen years old, Malfoy? What are you, doing sleeping with a stuffed rabbit?"

McGonagall looked around in fear. "Can we please stop talking about rabbits and bunnies!"

"They're the same thing," Hermione said helpfully. McGonagall shuddered.

McGonagall decided to change the subject and said the first thing that came to mind. "Accio Draco Malfoy!"

Draco screamed as he came crashing through the closed door to fly into Harry's arms.

"Hi, Draco," said Harry, dreamily. "Your eyes are pretty. I mean – what doing are you doing in my arms! I don't want to touch you!"

"I'm not touching you, you berk," Draco snapped. "You're holding me hostage! In your… big… strong…arms… that's disturbing. And I'm taller!"

"What did you come in here for, Mr. Malfoy?" McGonagall asked.

Draco looked bewildered, before struggling in Harry's arms, who still hadn't let go. "I didn't!" Draco said. "Potter, let go of me, you great big brute!"

"But you're so soft and squishy… I mean – huh?" said Harry.

"I think we can all agree with that," Ron said.

"With the 'huh?'," Hermione hastened to explain. "Right, Ron?"

"Are saying I'm _fat!_" Draco gasped. "Hey, don't touch me! Aunt Minnie, Potter's trying to feel me up!" he wailed.

"Mr. Potter, release your object of amorous desires at once!" McGonagall snapped.

"Amorous desires," Harry shouted, shoving Draco away.

"Thank you!" said Draco, brushing himself off. He suddenly stopped. "For letting me go!"

"Yes, yes," McGonagall said. "Draco, you came into my rooms for a reason – what was that?"

"You Accio-ed me?" Draco asked.

"No – before, other than show me that bu-bunny!"

"Oh! I had a nightmare," Draco said.

"About me?" Harry asked, hopefully. "I have dreams – uh – nightmares about you all the time!"

"Unless you can turn your eyes yellow and grow fangs, no," said Draco. "It was terrifying! And it was all 'the heart, the head' and blah!" Draco said, making air quotes.

Hermione looked at Draco thoughtfully as he continued, "and then there was this – _Pansy_ was saying 'You think you know what's to come – what you are but you haven't begun!' which is ridiculous because I know who I am and I was already born!"

At that very moment, Snape walked into the room, waving around a spoon. "Minnie! Are you okay?! Rabbit!" he said looking at Draco's stuffed rabbit and pointing the spoon at it yelling out, "Evanesco!"

It didn't work. "Bloody hell, stupid wa – spoon?"

"You couldn't have just used the wooden stick?" Draco asked.

"This is a wooden stick," Snape said, looking at Draco, bewildered.

"It's a spoon," said Draco.

"Yes, but it's wooden and therefore a wooden stick!" Snape said.

"Dream!" Ron and Hermione said in unison.

"Oh, good," said Harry. "Can I kiss Draco then?"

"NO!" everyone in the room shouted.

x

"Ugh," said Ron. "I had the weirdest dream about McGonagall, Snape, Mr. Rabbit, and Malfoy."

"Me too," said Hermione.

"I think it was real… I don't think it was a dream or else I would've gotten a kiss from… uh… Professor McGonagall!" Harry said.

Ron and Hermione stared.

"Curious," said McGonagall. "Very curious."

x

Harry remained oblivious but Draco found out from Neville that he was supposed be fighting Harry over McGonagall. There was a rumor that said all three – Harry, Snape, and Draco wanted her. Draco could have stopped the rumors and put Harry in a bad light, but he had more pressing matters to attend to – as to why he was dreaming of creatures with fangs and something called a Slayer.

Draco found himself sitting on the steps, writing a letter to his mother.

_Dearest Mum,_

_I have been dreaming of vampires and Slayers. Could you contact or explain to me what a Slayer is? Or what a Watcher is? I've been dreaming of them. Things turning into dust after being stabbed with wooden sticks. I don't quite understand, dearest mother. And no, I'm not dating McGonagall or Snape or Seamus or Pansy. And who is the demon? Pansy or Dean Thomas? He's a Muggle-born boy, so it must be Pansy, right? Unless it's a Bracken… they look human… except for the spikes. I've never seen spikes on Dean though or Pansy. Anyway, Harry Potter's been following around like a lovesick puppy. Granger keeps making eyes at me and Weasley… I cannot speak of them. Would you be happy if I married Potter? He is every girl's dream. I could just pounce on him and gobble him up to get a wedding ring. I want to marry him, mother, I really do. Can I? Can I please marry Potter? He's not a vampire, or a werewolf, or a demon (he looks too good), or a Slayer (that's Granger, I think), or a Watcher. Did you know Uncle Sevvie was a watcher too? Are you a Watcher, Mother? I would like to know what a Slayer is because I keep dreaming about Slayers and vampires. What do they have to do with each other? I never knew about Brackens before the dreams started. I'm afraid, Mother. I don't know what's going on. I nearly broke Seamus hand the other day. I scared Pansy because I can lift the table with one hand now. It really wasn't my fault, though. And Dumbledore is sending you the bill for the broken Slytherin table. It was only a crack._

_Ever your loving child,_

_Draco Malfoy_

Draco sighed before handing it over to his owl, who had been patiently perched on his shoulder.

x

Hermione, Harry, and Ron were walking along, trying to be stealthy. Of course, they were much more noticeable because they walked on tiptoe, acting like a badly acted out spy film. Or so Draco dryly told after the fifth round of walking past him. Draco had reluctantly agreed to come by and watch them.

"I'm going to be your Watcher!" he'd said excitedly. "Do I get a Watcher diary?" he asked Snape.

"Your mother," McGonagall had said, startled in recollection, "is a Watcher! _She_ can be the new Slayer's Watcher and by the default of your birth, you will be a Watcher. Watcher positions are inherited."

"So how does that explain away Uncle Sevvie," Draco had asked, arching an eyebrow.

McGonagall had looked thoughtful. "How does that explain you away?"

Snape had glowered. "It doesn't," he said flatly and briskly turned around to Hermione and the other two. "You will go now and patrol. From now on you report to Draco. Off with you and never come back!"

"Sevvie!" McGonagall had said. "You don't mean that!"  
"My private rooms are that – _private!_" Snape had yelled. "I most certainly do _not_ want them coming back into them ever again. How ever will I get the stench of Potter and Weasley out of my rooms?"

"Help, help!" Draco had said. "My I.Q. is rapidly disappearing due to the eau de Potter and his gormless git sidekick Weasley."

"You are not funny, Mister Malfoy," Snape had said.

"Oh, really?" Draco had asked in surprise. "And here I thought I was a wit."

It was this comment that got Draco kicked out of Snape's rooms and sent off with them. Shortly afterward, Draco had agreed to watch them – literally, by standing in the shadows of the Forbidden Forest, refusing to lean against a tree lest there be some vicious insect to eat him.

They had only taken a few steps away when Draco's drawling voice said loudly, "Somebody help me! There's a vampire trying to eat me! Oh, _no_ whatever shall I do? Slayer, please save me!" There was a pause that was only long enough for them to arrive where Draco had been standing. "Oh, wait. Too late. Bitty vampire's dust."

Hermione, Ron, and Harry watched as Draco pushed his wand through the vampire's chest and exploded into dust.

"Dru!" shouted another vampire. A bleached vampire who stared at the place and then said. "Oh, well." He turned up to look at Draco. "You killed her. Oh, well. Buffy'll be happy now. She was always jealous of Dru." The bleached blonde sighed. "And it's not like I loved Dru, really. And I was never as pathetic as that bleedin' show made me out to be. And Buffy really does love me – she loved me before Angelus. She jus' kissed him because he's my sire and wanted to make me jealous. And – she never dated anybody named Angel. His name's Angelus and he doesn't have a poncey soul and never did. We're Aurelius 'cos we're odd and actually like people. Some people. Angelus likes torturin' them; I like makin' friends with them. And Xander never lost his eye, Willow never went insane – she's in love with Angelus, Rupert fell in love with me and Dawn _is_ a key. And she's _my_ immortal twin sister not Buffy's. Faith's dead though – that's why there's a new Slayer."

Draco and the Golden Trio stared at the vampire.

"We never made all th' potentials Slayers and who the in the soddin' hell came up with the Firs'? There's no such thing! Also we don' sing – excep' maybe Angelus but he can't sing and he's upset 'cos he wants redemption… something about Angel wings." The vampire looked thoughtful. "An' I didn't die. Well, I did – jus' never turned into dust. Buffy loves me. 'Ave I mentioned that? 'M not pathetic an' Buffy's going to have our little bitty! So, who's the Watcher here? Never mind – 'll find out if the bitty will be a vamp or slayer eventually. Maybe it'll be a Watcher. Angelus' Conner's in 'is Watcher phase, I think, but he's only four. He was never in a hell dimension – but I might be 'cos he's insane." The vampire tilted his head. "I have to go – that show was _never_ true! They took everything Giles said an' turned it 'round – but that might 'cos he didn't talk 'bout me but soddin' Angelus! Angel! 'M so glad Angelus plans on eatin' the producers. No soul to stop him – he just likes being borderline evil. He used to be completely evil but then he fell in love with that Gypsy girl and stopped eatin' people. Hasn't for several centuries unless they piss him off or they hurt one of us Scoobs."

"Who are you and what is your point?" asked Hermione.

Draco turned to gape at Hermione. "Are you joking? That's _Spike!_"

"_Spike_?" Hermione, Ron, and Harry yelped. Hermione and Harry looked at Ron in confusion. "How'd you hear of him?" they asked in unison.

"He's a legend," Draco and Ron said in unison.

"The telly," Hermione and Harry said.

"So, Slayer," Spike said, "you and your little gang here've heard of me. Jus' checkin'. Buffy wants me home now. Soddin' bitch – she's worse pregnant. She jus' wanted pumpkin juice and chocolate frogs. I knew I shouldn' 'ave told 'er 'bout the magickal world. Willow, with 'er 'I'm a bloody pure-blood witchy highness' told the Slayer and gave her the damn frogs. Damn Willow and Angelus. He gave her the pumpkin juice. So – where's Dumbledore?"

"You know Dumbledore?" Draco said.

"Everybody knows Dumbledore," Spike said simply.

"Yeah," said Draco. "What House were you?"

Spike looked at him. "What makes you think 'm a wizard, Slayer?"

They gaped. "Malfoy's a Chosen One!" Ron yelled. "That's not fair! I want to be a Chosen One for once!"  
"Ah," said Spike. "You're a boy, mate. Slayer's a girl."

"No, Malfoy's a _boy_," said Hermione. "I'm the Slayer… wait – no I'm not! I knew it! I _knew_ I wasn't the Slayer. Why's Slayer a boy? Can boys be Slayers?"

"No," Spike said, looking at them strangely. "An' you might wanna run that one by me again. Slayer's a girl. I can smell it."

"My father says I'm a boy," Draco said firmly.

"You're a girl, mate."

"I could check!" Harry said happily.

Draco looked horrified. "No!" Draco went red. "I'm a girl! My dad's in denial! He threatens me!"

They arrived at the Great Hall, almost without noticing it. Dumbledore looked up as they walked in through the door and stood up immediately. "William," he said. "What brings you from California?"

"My girl wants pumpkin juice – _British_ pumpkin juice. And those bleedin' frogs. Damn Angelus!"

A girl fell out of her seat. "_Spike_!" she said, incredulously. "Buffy's real! I win! I win! Buffy the Vampire Slayer's real! So HA!"

Everyone stared at her. She cleared her throat, flushing red and sat back down with one last loud HA!

At that very moment, McGonagall ran into the Great Hall, looking mightily disturbed.

"Minnie, I'm not joking!" Snape said, following her. "I really, really want you to marry me!"

She stopped. He stopped.

Spike stared. Everyone stared.

"Wow. An' I thought our lives with Angelus his bloody drama queenship was weird," Spike commented to Draco.

"Oh, I expect it'll get stranger," Draco said watching as the door burst open yet again to allow Lucius Malfoy storm into the castle with a letter clutched in his hand. Narcissa Malfoy followed quickly on his heels.

"Lucius!" she shouted. "That's my letter. Draco sent it to me!"

"Draco is not the new Slayer! Damn you and your Watchers and your bloody Council and – SPIKE?" Lucius stared at the vampire standing next to Draco.

"Malfoy," Spike said, flatly. "So, Druscilla didn't turn you? I'm amazed."

"Spike," Lucius said. "Draco's not the Slayer. Draco's a boy."

"What's wrong with you people?" Spike asked. "Draco was it?" Draco nodded. "Draco is a girl. I can smell it. Vampire here! I should know."

"No," Narcissa suddenly said. "I changed my mind. Draco isn't a girl. You were right, Lucius. Draco's a boy. If our daughter is our son – she can't be the Slayer!"

"Draco's a girl!"

"Who's Spike?"

"There are _vampires_?"

"McGonagall and Snape? And they're getting _married?_"

"I knew it!"

"Is this part of the play?" Dean asked. "Although, vampires are real – I'm a demon. Half, but a demon nonetheless. Does that mean the Slayer is going to kill – uh – _slay_ me?"

"Don't worry, honey," Pansy called from the Slytherin table. "Nobody cares that you're a demon. You're a good demon."

"You know," Colin Creevey commented to Ginny Weasley. "This is better than the telly back home."

"Yeah," she agreed. "Malfoy's a girl."

"Oh, sod all," Spike said. "'M leaving. Tellin' the Slayer you're all insane!" With a loud crack, he was gone.

"Hey!" Hermione shouted. "Didn't you read Hogwarts, A History! You can't Apparate or Disapparate in the school!"

"And I thought he said he wasn't a wizard," Ron added.

"Spike's a wizard? The show never said that… I thought he _hated_ magick."

"And doesn't Spike hate Buffy? What's he doing getting her juice?"

"SILENCE!" Dumbledore shouted.

"So," Snape said, not realizing it was silent again. "Will you marry me, Minerva? I'll protect you from the bunnies!"

"With a wooden spoon," McGonagall said. "In that case, how can I refuse?"

"OH! Since we all know I'm really a girl, can I be a bridesmaid?" Draco asked brightly, leaning against the Head Table. With a sudden shudder, it crashed to the floor.

"Oops," said Draco. "Slayer strength!"

The End…. Or TBC?

* * *

– The Watcher Council

* * *

A/N: So… what in the world possessed me to write a Harry Potter crossover with Buffy and throwing it into this type of story? Well, my muse and I got to talking about Buffy and recalling the old saying – you know "for every generation there is a Chosen One…" and because Arwen and I like Draco Malfoy… we decided it'd be funnier to have Draco Malfoy be the Slayer instead of Hermione. Then we got to thinking of the issue of Draco's gender, which eventually led up to "what if Draco was born a girl but Lucius was in denial about her gender?"

I don't actually know how this compares to the oneshots I've done without my muse, but she likes oneshots. Check out her one-shot "Beware of the Shoe" and her other one-shots which can be found on her profile – **I am the muse of the evil genius** (we realize we're insane.)

**Citation/Disclaimer(s)/Reference:**

1. You think you know - what's to come, what you are. You haven't even begun – Tara says this in a dream of Buffy's as the voice of the first slayer.

2. "The bunnies!.. Sevvie save me! The bunnies! Oh, god the bunnies!" – Inspired by Anya's fear of bunnies and her song in "Once More With Feelings".

3. J.K. Rowling, as far as my sister and I are aware of, never said you could not accio another person or living thing. Besides, didn't Harry accio a fly once?

P.S.: If you're interested in explaining the things that need explaining (how Spike knows Dumbledore, how Snape is a Watcher, why McGonagall's afraid of bunnies, etc.), let me know in a review if you want to write the explanation or contact **I am the muse of the evil genius** for her explanation. Or you can write your own explanation provided you let me know and I'll put the link to your story on this story (in my profile).


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